


Not Worth It

by djiange



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-07 06:27:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19079368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/djiange/pseuds/djiange
Summary: Sometimes the whole point was to not ask if it was worth it.





	Not Worth It

Merlin had resigned to a destiny which is not worth it long ago, long before he had the chance to leave it all behind, long before he fell for some prat and then gave him away. Merlin repressed his irresolvable internal contradiction, letting it sink into darkness with other profound emotions.

Sometimes the whole point was to not ask if it was worth it.

It was not like that fairy tale told centuries later, though, which was about a foolish mermaid dissolving into foam as rosy dawn breaks - in Merlin’s defense, he was not that foolish to be such a hopeless Romeo to trade his life for some prince’s arse. Pff, not happening. It was not because of the romantic attitude that _love_ was always worth it.

It was because Merlin dared not ask.

It was for his hesitance and cowardice, for the fact that he _knew_ it was never worth it, yet he went too far to afford regret. Merlin concentrated the whole significance of his life and the meaning of actuality into this one single desire, the conclusion of all his misgivings into one act of consciousness. Thus once asked, there would be nothing left for him in this doomed game, in this ridiculous fate.

His love for the king would be transfigured into an expression of eternity, would acquire a divine character, would be eventually enough to reconcile him with the fulfillment in the eternal consciousness of its validity in an eternal form that no actuality can take away from him. In infinite renouncement there would be peace and ease. Merlin _believed_ so and destiny carried on.

Until the king leaned against Merlin’s chest.

Merlin didn’t understand, after it had cost him everything.

At this moment the king’s smile was not royally smug as usual, but a little sad. Merlin remembered the other night when candles casted tender light on the king, the shadow of his eyelashes resting on the sharp cheeks like shivering butterflies. He was reading the speech Merlin wrote for him, and he raised his head to look at Merlin. Their eyes met.

Arthur had loved him, it hit Merlin in a sudden. He heard a howl from deep down somewhere, as if something had ever gone.

Too late.


End file.
